This is a gross story.  Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

So, my husband has this cat—Melee.  And Melee is a 16 year old Siamese. I got Melee for him during our courtship when she was about 9.  Melee has always been sensitive.  Foods with too much fiber make her poop blood.  Stress makes her poop blood.  She pukes a lot. Like the Unipuker.  Her breath is bad.  Her temper is worse.  She’d bite you but her teeth are worse than anything the English have to offer.  Her belly has droopy, swaying skin.  Her nose has a bump from the time she got a paper bag stuck on her head and ran around our old apartment until she went *smack* into our futon.  When J goes out of town, she howls at night like Ginsburg on a bender.  She is a frequent inappropriate peer.  Often on my clothes.  About a year ago, Melee started puking up stomach acid tinged with blood about once a month.  “That’s it!” I said to J, “Her time has come.  You need to take her in.”  I started calling her Dead Cat Walking (behind their backs).  J resisted.  And put it off.  And told me that if I did it without his permission/consent that he’d never forgive me.  Meanwhile, we (mostly I) spent a lot of time cleaning up cat effluvia.  Appointments have been made and cancelled, made and no-showed.  We’ve talked about taking steps.  Google has been consulted. 

Tuesday, my husband (the same guy who didn’t want to take me to the ER when a bug killer oil lamp spilled on me and my voice vanished and I started wheezing on account of the $75 copay) collected a stool sample and took it to the vet.  The vet declared the cat parasite free and told J to bring her in.  They went yesterday.  The vet didn’t think she was that bad.  The vet said some ‘Mese live to be 30.  The vet said it could be cancer but probably is not as she has a history of the bloody stool.  (By the way, that sounds like a ghost story:  The History of the Bloody Stool.)  The vet tried to talk J into a $200 endoscopy and blood work.  He agreed to blood work and urinalysis.  Melee has a bladder infection.  The vet says clearing that up may help with the peeing.  The blood work can rule out (or in) liver or kidney failure.  The vet said she might have IBS.  The vet said she might be exacerbating it by not being able to chew kibble on account of the aforementioned terrible teeth.  The vet recommends a soft food diet.  I hate the vet.

I am now faced with the possibility that this cat might live until both my children are in highschool.  Bleargh.

I’m 34 today.  Doesn’t feel any different.